When I knew someone was treating me with disrespect and disregard, it helped me to think about myself as being my own daughter. It does get better with NC, really it does. They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. But, I wasnt judging them or holding a grudge I just dont really like this group of people and cant see the point in revisiting anything with them at all. Yet, this time, Im finding it so hard. We got back together after the second break up and now he doesnt want a committed relationship and we broke up again-this time I with him as his behavior was so HURTFUL. Its always uplifting for us all to hear stories of victory and healing. In my mind I think that how hes acting is immature and offensive, but for some reason I truly cant get myself to believe that he is being genuine with this crazy stuff. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. They also gave me pause for thought. Despite your best efforts, it's impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. And not to take me out either, but asking if I would take him out. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. Im not angry and I forgive him not only for the mistakes he made, but also mine. I was so surprised with his sudden change of behavior toward me, that I mistook it for his dropping his act. Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. That worked. My dilemma with him is will I go to is funeral when he dies. He had no answer to that so I walked away. How he acted towards me said more about him than it did about me. "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. He has since ended things with gf, though he continues to be friends with her, and is trying to reconcile our friendship. That would be a mistake. My point is Thanks for putting it to me in light of drug addiction. And dont feel bad, and stop making yourself wrong to please someone who fd up, even if it was the past. Quite early on he said he wasnt ready for another relationship (the last one was a year ago, and he feels suffocated in relationships), but that he wanted to try with me. Is something wrong with you and your boyfriend? Theres nothing for me to be angry about, but because Im so hung up in being a good Christian I dont want to hurt him. But. there is so much more to my current world of pain. This reminds me of the dance AC whom I recently brushed off as having a flirting fetish and who my mother insisted liked me (so I let my guard down an inch). I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. (I was afraid they would turn against me). And go No Contact for as long as you possibly can. The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user. My therapist said, I didnt have good role models growing up. It was really tempting to seek him out tonight. Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. He has all the lingo down to seem caring stating FWB is not what you want as it is diminishingoh how sensitive he seems NOT! Rakel D, ed. Sign up for free, and stay up to date on research advancements, health tips and current health topics, like COVID-19, plus expertise on managing health. But please be careful! I would not have been in contact with her this time, except that she was getting a hip replacement and my sister begged me to go to the hospital so she wouldnt have to be with mother alone. Fewer symptoms of depression. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. Of course you can forgive them, but theres no need to find them as the relationship is over. Not an easy road, but doable. these are the effs I do not give. Getting my head down and Trying To Do The Right Thing wasnt a lot of fun (not that I always did), but looking back over it it was probably the quickest and cleanest way through. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away. today I can say I have learned how to communincate with her and how to communicate with myself to not fall into feeling like nothing as you pointed out. Your temperamental styles and inability to negotiate conflict could be one reason why you are prone to keep grudges with friends or family. He refers to women as sluts and has six on dial a lay. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. He saw my face when he said this and then he laughed and said I cant help it, Im an ass, and laughed again. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. I hear you. Anyway, sorry to get all Biblical on yall (came from an unlikely source, eh ladies and fellas? "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". if I did I would seriously push tht waste of space over the nearest cliff!! Be clear about boundaries. "If you find yourself avoiding someone you have previously been close to, reflect on what happened the last time you were together, or even further into the past," Habash said. Im the same. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. I realized Id only be going because I felt obligated to attend and not really because I wanted to see any of these people. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. And I cannot protect nor enable them from their shameful behaviour past and present. Practice empathy. The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including: Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. I will never allow her to the chance to make me feel like I am NOTHINGand that is a direct quoteever again. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. Seriously! Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. Friends, work colleagues whom he had no reason to get involved with only to act the victim. If you want a master class in forgiveness, marry someone with ADHD. In: Integrative Medicine. I dont really need my mother. and not actually to feel any better. Yet, I cant go on hurting myself. I felt so stupid and violated. Ive kept my head held high, hid behind a smile and time has made it easier but boy has he spread some lies about me. All Free. I will not hold a grudge and I will not press the reset button. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. He expressed his resentment of the new policies. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. But forgiveness isnt always possible in every situation. Jesus told us to love one another as He has loved us. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! Good for you Noquay. Narc with more baggage than an airport. ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. NC is your most powerful action. I have tried to be the bigger person, tried to put it behind me, but finally I have accepted my feelings and love myself for having the strength to protect what is important to me rather than contorting myself to please him. Once I sense a romantic partner is bad news, something changes inside and I cant be with them. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". Improved self-esteem. The best revenge is indeed moving on and being happy. I do look back and think what the hell was I thinking but I no longer beat myself up over it, it it as it is and my daughter now sees her independant mum back. Ive been 1 year out of an unhealthy 3.5 year relationship, and Im struggling with thoughts about breaking 6 months no contact with her. He was not dropping it, he was taking it to a new height and I fell for it. Whenever you have a thought, track it. Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. But. After a 2 year relationship I recently ended the relationshiip and am trying no contact. and then me saying, okay, fine, and then forgetting it all, never bringing it up, and acting like it never happened. Doormatwhat a lousy situation. Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. Absolutely true! Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. This happened a few times several years ago. grudge - WordReference.com Dictionary of English Remember, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. You knowbasically the opposite attitude of what Ive expressed in a lot of the comments Ive made about people whove wronged me in my past. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. Thank you, Yoghurt- Your post makes 100% sense. CC, I laughed when you said he reminded you of the guys on Big Bang Theory. Revolution Christianity teaches that we DO need to forgive our enemies. It isn't always easy to forgive but remembering the forgiveness we have received from God makes it possible. Order your copy (link in bio)#baggagereclaim #boundariesarehealthy #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #recoveringpeoplepleaser #healthyrelationships #thejoyofsayingno. I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. Sign up for notifications from Insider! Selena Gomez and Hailey Bieber's zodiac signs explain drama I am genuinely sorry if I have upset you by my behaviour. I sent a couple of texts telling him in effect what he did and that it was still not ok or forgotten. %PDF-1.6 % No theological debates on here, God forbid. From our hearts. That doesnt work, and so I was pouty. What is the difference between Holding a Grudge and Seeing a Pattern You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. Lol, Grace! Have I forgiven them? If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. surprise surprise. When I heard him say that it made me really question him, also I was thinking that maybe he was saying it to brag to his friend and didnt really mean it. We met a few times. Normally, when things do not work out, I just endure the pain but try to move on. Ill let you know how it goes. I feel very positive about the future, whether or not that includes a relationship with a man. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Sooner or later, your drug dealer comes around again You remember how you felt, and know it did you no good, only harm. so I dropped him. I would love to deliver all his stuff to his girlfriend except I wouldnt know which girlfriend to go to.. Grudges are toxic to relationships. I was totally mesmerized. He made sure that I never got what I wanted and needed. I already walked away more than two months ago. If we issue a blanket ban on meeting that way, youre left with online dating and randoms. After 14 months NC, including resisting polite invitations and helpful referrals (all phrased as though everything was honky dory between us), I broke NC via text randomly last month due to a clusterfuck practical circumstance. This has been my biggest weakness! Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. I coach clients on this issue as well. These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger sometimes even hatred. There is a guy interested, but I can see inspite of his efforts, emotionally disconnected and I feel fragmented after spending too much time with him, at least I dont feel emotionally nourished. I hope you feel better soon. How does forgiveness work when one is no longer in contact with them? I only need to validate me. NC Nice idea but no one can correct a relationship on their own. Maybe they say i love you, 5xs a day, instead of once a week. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? Thank you. All the best. I am dating a new guy, very casual and early stages. Thanks for being patient with me! To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! That lasted three months, until my Grandmother died. It is very challenging and even breaking off all contact isnt always the answer. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! Nat This post was interesting to read as I am 2yrs out of a break-up & happy to be single most of the time but there are times when the past relationship or should I say the EX-EUM still haunts my thoughts. You have to accept that sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. Running upto women and then checking them out, the slurs, even in jest.dont you remember how many times many of us are told oh lighten up its just a JOKE ? But if theyre not, theres probably nothing to be gained from letting them carry on reaping the rewards of being unrepetent on you. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. But he was so so charming, funny, intelligent, etc. Just clarifying my thoughts! The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. He has not been dependable, or offered you much of anything, except a bit of charm. I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. Vindication? Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. And the kids seem fine too. Fortunately, I am was emotionally sober enough to realize that he was just trying to manipulate me into letting him do whatever he wants despite the torture it puts me through. endstream endobj startxref If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, its okay to say no to this malarkey.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend.